It is very likely that all I would need to content me with the remainder of this miserable winter (and trust that I’ve had a lot of solitary time to contemplate this in the last two weeks) is a platonic boyfriend, an emotional proxy, with whom I can cuddle on the couch—hands above the waist, like a middle school dance!— and immerse myself in a marathon of terrible or not-so-terrible teevee, depending. (“Downton Abbey,” c’mon!) (The cuddling is semi-optional and the full terms of the arrangement are subject to negotiation with my imaginary solicitor.) Someone to refresh the drinks (red wine, lately, as it is cold out and I mean I’m not a Philistine) and pass the Kleenex or the bag of chips maybe, or who will have good takeout restaurants bookmarked on Seamless Web and who does not care to leave the apartment and finds sweatpants acceptable as day and evening wear, and is fond of frequent naps; basically like the way two heroin junkies cohabitate (but with less vomiting and accidental death)? Sure it is reductive, and limiting, I KNOW, and granted I should be able to find someone to fully emotionally commit to, or at least commit to longer than one night—or a total of more than six hours, give or take— but really it is soooo freezing and in this scenario it is not about love, L-U-V, plus who feels sexy during the winter; if there is coitus isn’t it just really Hibernation Fucking to stave off cold or boredom, so I’d rather play the role of sedate couch slob-slash-human pillow. Either it is that or I just need to adopt a large, sleepy DOG for companionship, but whatever. I think you see where I’m coming from. That tapping noise you heard recently, that was me poking at the enclosed confines of the Seasonal Affective BELL JAR; a few weeks ago I was one crying jag away from being an Alanis Morissette song. I’m better overall now, actually. Yoga, it helps!) Basically I’m like an old dowager who needs a companion for the opera and high tea (but substitute Netflix for the opera and happy hour for high tea).

I’m putting this personal ad on craigslist forthwith, is I guess what I’m saying. Wish me luck! (Also: accepting applications directly. Apply within.)